Social media sites like Facebook and Twitter have left a generation of young adults in danger to falling apart of the brain, we can totally make public for about the fifth time. Symptoms include self-obsession, short attention spans and a childlike desire for constant feedback, according to a ‘top scientist’ with no record of published research on the issue.
Repeated publicity to the internet leaves people with an characteristics emergency, wanting notice in the way of a child saying, ‘Look at me, Mummy,’ or a scientist touting their latest brain-fart in the national press.
The scientist believes that use of the internet – and computer games – could ‘rewire’ the brain, causing neurons to set up new connections and pathways. “Rewiring itself is something that the brain does naturally all the time,” the professor said, “but the phrase ‘rewiring the brain’ sounds really impressive and disturbing, so I like to use it to make it seem like I’m talking about a reflective and not natural change, even though it isn’t.”
This rewiring can result in reduced concentration, a need for instant gratification, poor non-verbal skills, and the habit of talking really loudly like Alistair Stewart, according to research that hasn’t yet been performed.
“I think it’s really important that people aren’t frightened by scare stories about new technology, and I’ve been a big supporter of brain-training software in the past,” the scientist said, “but people’s brains are literally melting inside their heads from all the MyFace waves being absorbed.”
In a controversial move, popular science journal The Daily Mail published the academic’s findings before they had actually been found. “In academia I’ve faced a great deal of prejudice from peers,” she explained, “They say ‘oh you haven’t done the research, you’ve not got any evidence,’ but really they’re just jealous of my fashion sense. Publishing in the Mail lets me rise above all the petty politics and fact-checking in science, and just say ‘this is the truth, bitches’.”
Responding to criticism from the Guardian’s Ben Goldacre, she said “he thinks his hair’s better than mine. It isn’t. I don’t even think it’s real. Who is he anyway? Is he a ‘top scientist’? No.”
The scientist, who doesn’t actually use Twitter, said: “What concerns me is the facileness of so much that goes out there. Why should someone be interested in what someone else has had for breakfast? My friend told me what they were having for dinner the other day, and I told them to ‘fuck off’ before slamming the phone down.”
The high-profile academic, who frequently uses the media as a platform to push her theories to the public, suggested that some Facebook users feel the need to become small celebrities’ who are watched and admired by others on a daily basis. “They do things that are ‘media worthy’ because the only way they can define themselves is by ‘people knowing about them’”, she told a shocking journalist.